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I am neurochemistry's bitch.

Just when I'm having a pretty good day, and getting a handle on what my professional and personal priorities really are, my eyes suddenly start to fill up for no reason, and I feel listless and life feels futile.

I am also Mary Fucking Sunshine. Sorry guys. I've got an appointment with a cognitive behavioral therapist next week, so I can straighten out my messed up head some. So you can't say that I whine without doing anything to try and fix it, at least.

There are actually lots of things that I'm grateful for. I can even actively feel the ways in which some of those things alleviate some of the psychological distress. So that's probably an indication that I'm not in a clinical depressive state.

For example, I think it's really lovely that there is such a thing as "feedback poetry".

Pursuant to that, here is an example of some slash fiction that doesn't suck: Here and Here (the second being a sequel to the first.) These brief pieces (very tame, and entirely SFW) are by the incomparable troyswann, who also wrote me glorious SGA femslash for my birthday (which is probably somewhat less SFW). She could write circles around the people who actually get paid to write these shows, IMO.

I think E and I are going to make the effort to come out of our little protective shell and be sociable this weekend. We'll probably be at both Freaks United and Kabi's 4th party. So perhaps we will see some of you.


( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 30th, 2005 06:34 pm (UTC)
So you can't say that I whine without doing anything to try and fix it, at least.

Of course, I wasn't gonna say that anyway. *hug*

Hope the therapist works, and that you feel better generally.
Jun. 30th, 2005 06:47 pm (UTC)
Oh, I certainly wouldn't have thought you would say any such thing. :)

*hug back* Thanks.
Jun. 30th, 2005 07:02 pm (UTC)
Actually you don't whine - you say when you're feeling bad but rarely reveal why. Yooz an odd byrd.
Jun. 30th, 2005 06:35 pm (UTC)
I was thinking of you guys today. Maybe we can get together after work sometime next week?
Jun. 30th, 2005 06:47 pm (UTC)
Would love to get together next week. Not exactly sure when, but we certainly must. Let me know what days work good for you?
Jun. 30th, 2005 06:50 pm (UTC)
I'll be sure to do so. Right now I'm thinking...Thursday?
Jun. 30th, 2005 06:36 pm (UTC)
Jun. 30th, 2005 06:48 pm (UTC)
Hee :) Thanks!
Jun. 30th, 2005 06:38 pm (UTC)
Maybe in addition to the therapist, aonther visit to a shaman? Maybe it's not all in your head, Dear One.

Freaks United: I'm grabbing tix for you kids tonight, will deliver in the method described on your voicemail. (Yours was the last number I called before my little phone went on walkabout - this makes me smile)

A thing: Someone is delivering a bed this weekend, which I will be turning into the first crashable morrocan couch (pillows may take a while to make, but the surface will be sittable and sleepable). So at some point in the future, when your schedule and energy levels are in harmony, you can come up and stay over in comfort, and we can trade reiki and massage and I can show you the supersekrit (not really) egg yumness, and you can teach me your Magical Lasagna thing, and there will be much warmfuzzy happytime. Or at least distress-lowering.

Another thing: Love you lots
Jun. 30th, 2005 06:45 pm (UTC)
Oh, sweetie, that is so, so, so cool of you! Got your message, and your "nefarious delivery plan" sounds perfect. Are you going to be there? Will you be at Kabi's? We happen to have just gotten the living room back in livable order, so if you needed crash space anytime this weekend, you are very welcome. You still have a key, right?

A thousand thank yous. And, also, I am looking forward to visiting Charm City Central with all kinds of anticipation! *smooch*
Jun. 30th, 2005 06:53 pm (UTC)
Excellent - nefarious perfection we shall have.

I will indeed be there -- maybe not at the very start, but definitely gonna be there. What time were you guys thinking of making an appearance?

Ditto at Kabi's, and thanks for the crashy offer (I'll probly be coming back home in between, though -- just 'cause I loves my home so much. I miss it when I'm not here. :>) (I do indeed still have ze key :>)

Visit: *Yay!*
Jun. 30th, 2005 07:04 pm (UTC)
Love and stuff.
Jun. 30th, 2005 07:38 pm (UTC)
Thanks *hug*
Jun. 30th, 2005 07:57 pm (UTC)
possibly stupid question
"I've got an appointment with a cognitive behavioral therapist next week, so I can straighten out my messed up head some"

If it's your chemicals, than you just need to get those balanced and not worry about your thought processes (ies?) right? Or am I missing what cognitive means in this case?
Jun. 30th, 2005 08:08 pm (UTC)
not a stupid question at all
pardon me for jumping in, here...

cognitive therapy can teach you ways to cope when you're feeling bad, as well as help correct behaviors that may lead to feeling bad or worse. sometimes w/ neurochemistry it's a chicken-or-egg situation: did the fucked-up chemistry make you depressed, or did being depressed alter your chemistry? in the long run what matters is both fixing it and preventing its recurrence, and usually what works best is a combination of medication and one or more of the various types of therapy available. observing and altering your behavior and thoughts is a good way to do that -- it can help you to be aware of negative thought patterns and resultant actions (or reactions), and change them accordingly.
Jun. 30th, 2005 08:21 pm (UTC)
Re: not a stupid question at all
Ah, I thought it was either one or the other.

So this is like (extremely simplistic version) if you're sad or mad a lot, then your nerons get used to going down those paths (or your chemical processors get used to making those chemicals) then that is the most likely response because it's expected/easier and the "widest road" so to speak?
Jun. 30th, 2005 08:27 pm (UTC)
Re: not a stupid question at all
from what i understand, that's exactly it. regardless of the actual cause of your depression, if it sticks around long enough it can become a learned behavior just like any other. (i'm fuzzy on the biology, so i don't know if that's the same thing or not. i may be restating what you just said. >:) and if you've been depressed and/or anxious all your life, whether it's a chemical imbalance or not, you have to learn how not to be depressed. it's not easy, i'm here to tell ya. you get used to thinking in the negative, and that just perpetuates the cycle.
Jun. 30th, 2005 09:31 pm (UTC)
Re: not a stupid question at all
Interestingly, recent studies have proved that cognitive behavioral therapy actually CHANGES your BRAIN CHEMISTRY. Kinda cool, kinda creepy. Also, recent studies suggest that, for the first six months of treatment, antidepressants are a bit more successful than CBT. After that, the success of CBT climbs while the success of antidepressants plummet.

I went to CBT because antidepressants made me even more suicidal. It was only two sessions, and I haven't cut myself (or had a serious depressive episode) since. Not everyone has this kind of success, but it worked for me.
Jun. 30th, 2005 09:31 pm (UTC)
I love you, darlin', and I'm glad you're doing something for you.
Jul. 1st, 2005 03:44 am (UTC)
heys i hope it helps if you wanna give yourself an additional boost my parents have an accupunture practice that takes insurance its in reston - i must say accupunture is not for everyone but it did help me though some darkest times of course along with cognitive therapy and meds - it did give alittle bit of a boost- anyways xoxoxo-
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )