Dear “President” Bush, [03 Nov 2004|12:56pm]
Congratulations on your victory over John Kerry.
Ok, actually, we’re a bit ticked off here in California. We’re leaving you. California will now be its own country. Oh, and we’re taking all the blue states. In case you are not aware, that includes: Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Michigan Wisconsin, Illinois, all of New England, and half of Ohio. We spoke to God, and he agrees that this split will be beneficial to all of us. Well, to the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, he’s going to shift the whole country for us. Therefore, if you could just let everyone know they need to be back in their state on Friday, that would be great. At 4:30 pm EST, God will move the states around, forming two separate countries. We get the Pacific Ocean. And Hollywood, and all the rappers. We’ll let you keep country music and the KKK.
Just so we’re clear, our country will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and well, anti-war. Speaking of war, we’re going to need our citizens back from Iraq. In addition, we’re keeping San Diego. Sorry, that’s just how it goes. Hey, if you need people to fight your war, why not ask your financial backers? They probably have tons of kids they’re willing to send to their death. …for absolutely no purpose. That will probably work really well for you.
So, you get Texas and all the southern states, we get the Governator and stem cell research. We would love you to take Britney Spears off our hands though. She is from the south, right?
By the way, we would like everyone to know that California will now be pronounced “Kali-for-ni-A.” You know, like in the songs. When writers need to use forced rhyme.
Oh, and since we get New York, you’ll need to come up with your own late night tv shows. We’re sure some of you people over at Fox News can come up with something entertaining. Why not just use Crossfire? That’s a really funny show. So, we get Mtv, the Daily Show, and Conan O’Brien. You get… well, you don’t really watch tv, do you?
We wish you the best of luck with your ‘new’ administration, and hope, really hope you find those weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Before they find you.
P.S.- Sorry about all the puppet mockery. Just exercising free speech while it still exists!